We’re all afraid of being judged and found wanting by others, and the reason for that is that somewhere inside ourselves we either lack confidence or in truth we know we’re not performing at our best.
Let’s begin with the whole lack of confidence nightmare! There are many reasons for this but let’s look at the top four main suspects:
Your parents raised you, they passed on their own fears, used them to undermine you and here you are, a quivering wreck wondering if you have any right to appear in public for any reason. Sure you’ll get everything wrong. Convinced you can’t be trust to get a thing right. How do you beat this? You start to rebuild yourself from the ground up. You monitor your own behaviour and reactions as an adult, applying your own criteria and life experience to your actions and noting the outcomes. As you move through this monitoring process – and if you’re capable of self-reflection and self-honesty – you will observe the reactions of others to the developing-new-you and be able to modify and change accordingly. However, you will not under any circumstances allow the reactions of others to further undermine you, because you are being realistic. You are deciding through a process of trial and elimination who you want to be.
Negative Reactions of Others
This is a doozy because of course everything is all your fault and if someone else reacts badly to you then you caused that reaction and you deserve it! Sometimes this is true but not always. Sometimes people react based on their own life experience and that reaction is out of proportion. This is where I go back to monitoring your words and actions, if necessary checking with other people how they would have felt, and making a balanced decision based on careful thought not automatic guilt.
Disliking Your Face and Body
90% of the time there’s no good reason for this. Some people have had illness or accidents that may have left them disfigured in some way and sadly that will affect physical and facial confidence, but if you’re not one of those unfortunate people then you need to start being realistic. If you’re overweight then slim down via sensible eating and exercise. If you hate your hair find a good hairdresser, take their advice and get it cut properly. If you hate your clothes then go to a large department store and see if they do a free 1 hour clothes consultation, many of them do. Go to the cosmetics counter and get a free makeover, it will probably cost you a few cosmetics but it will be worth it. However, most importantly get some photographs taken of yourself and ask your friends for realistic comments about your face and body. If they’re nice comments and consistently so then choose to believe them and learn to see yourself properly. A makeover and photo shoot might help too. WARNING! DO NOT slump in front of the camera with your face tucked in to clearly emphasise your double chin and wobbly tum…you’re trying to be realistic here.
You’re Hopeless at Your Job!
Do you like it? No one’s good at what they hate. If you conclude that your career bores you witless it will be difficult to be good at it, but sometimes freedom comes in the admitting of how you really feel and change can come later. If your boss hates you be realistic, are you doing a good job? Only you can answer that. If your answer is yes then get the job papers and start looking for somewhere you will be appreciated. Sometimes we can’t change careers but we can find a better place to work with nicer colleagues who better suit our personality.
The whole job thing of course links in to not performing at your best. Sometimes you lack confidence because the honest truth is that you hate where you are and would do anything to get out, whether that be work, marriage, hobbies, family, friendships, you just need to escape and you’re telling yourself the truth by making every mistake under the sun in your chosen area of disharmony.
You won’t be a good partner in a bad relationship. You won’t be a good friend to someone who isn’t a friend. You won’t be a good worker if you hate the work. You won’t do any hobby well that you dislike (and remember that hobbies are your fun!).
An honest acceptance of the truth will work wonders for your ability to create positive change.
This is obviously a highly simplified blog intended to get you thinking, hope you get something out of it.
I’ll do something lighter next.
Wishing you happy days, peaceful nights, and insights