If you want to retain your aura of youthfulness NEVER put the word ‘the’ in front of Beatles, NEVER capitalise Beatles, and claim never to have heard of any musical groups prior to Take That, who are still going and therefore hip and happening.
Your musical tastes are a terrible give away on the wrinkly scale and you have to have a comeback should you slip and admit that you remember Elvis Presley when he was still thrusting and grinding. Firstly, your parents raised you on the music. Secondly, you only mentioned Elvis because you were at a recent tribute show in the company of other 30-somethings.
Other pitfalls to be avoided are your dance style. You DO NOT do Rock ‘n Roll you do Salsa, the Lindy Hop is what you do when a Linda drives over your foot in her car, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B is something you first danced to after you saw Torvill and Dean on their TV Show! Never slip up and admit that you remember Sarajevo even if the hairs on the back of your neck stand up every time you hear the Bolero.
Music and dance are a minefield for us Goldies (I think it’s better for our credibility if I link Golden and Oldies into Goldies) and we need to avoid talking about both until such times as we’re clued up to whose twerking and tweeting on the musical scale these days.
There is of course one very good way to make sure that we are staying hip and happening and that hip injuries are not happening, and that’s to make sure that we stay modern, relevant and clued up to all the new things that life has to offer.
In order to stay young at heart and inspired of ears and twinkle toes, we need to step outside the box we created at the age of 16 and train our ears to newer sounds. Thankfully Collabro won Britain’s Got Talent so at the moment we can be bang on relevant and understand a word that’s being sung. However, it will be necessary to study the more youthful music and dance providers in great detail in order to remain youthful and relevant musically speaking and avoid doing our version of the birdie dance on the dance floor. From now on we Twerk with the best of them even if we do put our backs out!
Get out there, explore all that’s new in entertainment, refuse to get stuck in a rut, and remember that a little dancing goes a long way towards fitness. It’s that or the gym! Shake that baggy butt and remember that there should be a perky dividing line between your thighs and your butt and one twerk shouldn’t leave your derriere jiggling for 10 more minutes while you chuck down a beer and remember how to breathe.
The other thing to avoid is mentioning 1950’s movie stars unless they’ve just died or remarried. I cannot stress this strongly enough, but you remember no one younger than Tom Cruise, which is pushing it a bit as he’s a Rockin’ 50 but as an unknowing honorary member of this club it wouldn’t be fair to dismiss him. Plus we should all be able to run like he can at this age without getting a hernia. Yes Tom Cruise is okay because he’s inspirationally fit and can still pull women whose boobs point north.
So the message is, pick your film and TV stars with care and make sure that they’re inspirationally fit and youthful. Worshipping any star over the age of 50 who isn’t inspirationally fit and youthful is a betrayal of the code punishable by being shut in a room for 24 hours having to watch the One Direction film over and over again. You see, even my punishments are hip, happening and bang on trend.
Although I would never normally recommend Botox, if you do find it difficult to upgrade your music collection without breaking into a violent frown and screaming “my ears my ears!” Botox will help. It will numb your features sufficiently for you to look unmoved and contemplative whilst listening to the hip happening music.
You can also avoid screaming by listening to the music for a couple of days before you attempt that feat in public, by this time you will have screamed so loudly and often that you won’t have a functioning voice available for another two or three days. That or you could try abseiling off a cliff, that’s a pretty good scream if ever there was one.
It’s worth noting that you can really drive your teenage children crazy by keeping up with the latest musical trends and attending their concerts with them. You can make up for so much stress by dressing like a 17 year old, storming the stage, snogging One Direction and giving them a shout out as you’re dragged away by several burly security guards. The look on their faces will be well worth the night in prison and 200 hours community service. Plus if you grab a handful of Harry Styles’ hair you can sell it on Ebay for a frickin’ fortune.
So the message is, upgrade your musical tastes, keep up-to-date with the latest films and TV programmes, develop a crush on Benedict Cumberbatch (which means you’ll still be able to watch Sherlock Holmes) and you’re pretty much able to side step the minefield of media oldism and sound at least two decades younger than you really are. You might even start feeling it rather than channeling out-of-touch grumpy-ism every time someone puts on anything made before 1978.
Today’s helpful advice: If you do find it difficult to listen to modern music ear plugs are available at any reputable high street chemist, but hide them well otherwise you’re going to have to pretend they’re hearing aids and that is very ageing.
(Mental note: Find out the name of another modern group and/or a second name of a member of One Direction)