The “Ooof” Factor

You know the sound, the one older people make when they drop into or fall out of a chair?  The one you are NEVER going to make.  As of now you have to take the oath:

“I do solemnly swear that I will observe all people older than me, note all the signs of ageing and then commit myself to do none of those things and fight venerability, respectability, caution and all forms of stiffness with a vengeance.  If necessary I will give my face and body regular sticky-tape lifts and fill in my cracks with plaster, but I will NOT ever ‘ooof’ when I get up or down, bend or stretch, pick up a pencil or fall off a cliff.  Should I ever fall off a cliff I will be a) drunk as a Lord, b) youthfully dressed, c) beautifully made up and d) I will scream like a 20 year old at a One Direction shindig.”

Did I say shindig?

Anyway, ignoring that ageing language lapse and moving on.  Let’s examine our oath in close detail (if you’re going to put your reading glasses on do it properly and DO NOT peer myopically over the top of your lenses, that is against the law of youthfulness…ooooh we need laws!)

Swearing is pretty much okay as real swear words don’t change much, okay the young perhaps use the fornicate word more than we did, but we’ve been using it all our lives and are therefore hip and with it.

Although we can get a few aches and pains as we get older we must never forget that with a sensible approach and the advice of a doctor we can remain fit and flexible.  Therefore the legendary stiffness we associate with age can be butt kicked out of sight by a good yoga teacher and a Golden Oldie willing to let a much younger person put your limbs in places they haven’t seen since you were 3 months old and no one had told you that you weren’t bendy.

Okay, we might not want to be sticky-taping our lower areas that used to be our higher areas to the higher areas that used to be north of our face, but again a bit of fitness might encourage a generally northern-ish movement in various facets of our body.  Gravity can and must be fought.

When it comes to wrinkles the men need not worry as they are wisdom lines and therefore, along with your grey hair, make you look wisdomous and attractive (i.e. rich enough to bag a babe).  However, for us dames…I meant girls…it’s a bit different and that’s where expensive creams and good cosmetics come into play.

If you want surgical intervention, your nether regions to become your chin, and a cleft chin on the back of your head, that’s pretty much up to you, but I think the wisdom of a lifetime would tell us that it doesn’t matter how many parts you have lifted you’ll still be 42 no matter what you do.  Forty two being the age we will be until it’s patently ridiculous to be it and then we will be 99 and no one will know how old we are.  After all, 42 is the meaning of life and it’s okay to know that because there was a recent film update of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide”.

One pitfall you must avoid at all costs ladies, and that’s to have a cosmetics bag full of congealed make up that you apply with a good outline of 1960’s (literally) black eyeliner.  It’s important to keep up with the latest looks and colours and adapt them to your own unique and individual look in a sensibly youthful way.

Although a lot of this is cosmetic I admit it, by the same token making sure that you like what you see in a mirror is critical to feeling youthful.  We do not ever want to fake it until we become it, we’re golden, we’re youthful and we are it already.

As to you boys, who traditionally don’t resort to make up to cover the cracks how can you halt the course of ageing?

By doing something!  Anything!  I hear a lot of men saying that they don’t dance but what the heck is wrong with holding your wife close and giving her a twirl around a dance floor.  You might even get fit as long as you don’t try a lift and put something out (and I don’t mean her out the window in your enthusiasm to lift macho-ly higher than that guy 10 years younger than you).

You might even find that your wife likes you more if you take her out like you used to do when you were young, had no kids, and needed to keep her onside so that you didn’t get the big bedroom freeze-out.  I can absolutely promise you that there is nothing more ageing for a man than being nagged by a wife/partner who is bored out of her skull.

Bring some of that excitement back into her life that you used to be famous for, you might not be in your 20 year old shape but you are that same guy inside and you two used to like being together and having fun together.  A young, together, fun-loving older couple are definitely hip and the younger generation will marvel at you and aspire to be you.

Young man:  “They’re that old and they still like each other and laugh together…how do they do that?”

Young girl:    “Clearly he still goes out and has fun.  He’s not tied to his email and playing stupid computer games until 3 in the morning.  He’s cool!

Don’t tell your ladies but you could easily become the guy that all the younger men hate and all the young women twinkle at…but never under any circumstances notice those twinkles or you’ll get more than the bedroom freeze-out you’ll get the clothes in the yard in a pile of dog crap tornado!

Finally, returning to the falling off a cliff bizzo, the biggest danger of falling off a cliff when you’re not looking your best, and “oofing” like an oldie on the way down, arises from not wearing your specs and being unable to see the edge of the cliff.  Think contact lenses or cool designer sunglasses that have prescription lenses in them.

If Hollywood ‘royalty’ can wear sunglasses all year then so can we – they’re great wrinkle covers and a lot less worrying than a scalpel held in the hand of a surgeon of our age who’s peering myopically over the top of a pair of half glasses asking “am I anywhere near your eye?”  “Yes, but it’s the other eye!”

Suggestions to remain mobile:

Flexibility/Mobility:  Yoga and Tai Chi

Core Strength:          The gym or Pilates

Cardio:                      Aerobics/Water Aerobics; Zumba; Fitsteps

Sir Bruce Forsyth:     Does the Tibetan stretching routine “The Fountain of Youth”                                     

As with all fitness regimes consult your doctor before taking on anything new.


Take the oath

Remember the oath

And if you do forget and “ooof” say you were asleep and dreaming about dogs



I Know I Used to Have a Memory but I Can’t Remember When

Age and memory huh? We know we’re supposed to lose it as we get older so lose it we do. We can’t remember names, faces, the titles of films particularly the one wotsit was in. You know him, he starred in that other film with the guy who used to be on tele and the woman who was married to thingy who I think has been in something with George Clooney.

I will admit that I had been buying into this myth of ageing and worrying that my mind wasn’t what it used to be, always assuming it wasn’t my poor memory telling me that I used to have a memory and in fact that memory was false because my memory was now so bad I really couldn’t remember.

However, I’m a bit of a bookworm and recently came across an old favourite – Tony Buzan – and his book on “The Age Heresy: Achieve More – Not Less – As You Get Older. Full details below (to make sure you remember to read all the way to the end).

I was delighted to discover that I do still have a memory capable of remembering and recalling lots of stuff, except where I put my glasses, why I’ve brought the jam upstairs instead of the washing, and why the cats are safely indoors and Tony is locked out in the garden.

The only difference between us and the younger generations is that we are seconds slower on recall because the mature mind is a repository of a great deal of information the young haven’t lived long enough to know, and when we want to remember something we have a great deal more sifting to do. Thereby also providing proof that the young don’t know everything yet otherwise they’d think slower.

Because I’m in my Rockin’ Rebellious 50’s I was not going to take the word of an internationally known author and expert in the field without running a proper scientific study with all the checks and balances thereby involved; but no scientists because I don’t know any. So I decided to do the ‘Credit Card Test’.

When I was young I had a memory like a computer and apart from being able to telephone every hospital in Greater London without looking up the number I could always quote my credit card number without looking at the card; then I got divorced and had to change credit cards.

This was rather a nuisance, but not one worth remarrying for, as I was going to have to have a new credit card and I was I older so remembering the long number across the middle would be impossible. Of course it was impossible because I’d fallen for the age myth and decided that it would be so, and the mind does as it’s told.

Flash forward 20 years and here I am deciding that now I’m going to remember that number. I felt extremely brave. “Can’t be too difficult” I thought because I’d seen it a million times over the past 20 years (sorry Tony I meant twenty or so times) so the number should be in there somewhere. I looked at it, I remembered it, job done, my mind was saved!

Two weeks later we discovered that our credit card provider’s computer systems have been hacked and we have to have a new credit card. I lifted up my eyes to the Universe from whence cometh my salvation and screamed “Are you freakin’ kidding me? I finally memorise the bleeping number and you bleeping do this to me!” I had to blame the Universe because I didn’t know the name of the hacker I needed to curse with halitosis and genital warts!

Two weeks after that – credit card-less and therefore bored on a Saturday – we received our new credit cards. With a heavy heart I looked at the number it would now take me a further 20 years to remember, and I remembered it straight away, security pin and all. I still do and this was well over a year ago.

In reading the Tony Buzan book which deals with a lot more than memory, I had deleted the programming that ageing requires a general deterioration of everything from your hair to your toenails; including a sagging of everything including your mind. I had now accepted into my reality that the brilliant memory I was born with hadn’t gone anywhere. It was right there in my head and all I needed to do was trust it.

The details of the book are:

“The Age Heresy: You Can Achieve More – Not Less – As You Get Older”.
Tony Buzan and Raymond Keen
Epub ISBN: 9781448116478
Published by Random House
First published in 1996

Happy reading and trust your own mind and not the trash talking negative belief systems with which we’re surrounded.

Happy Youthful Rebellion


The Rise of the Rockin’ 50s

The Rise of the Rockin’ 50s

** If you’re a member of my Google blog you will have read this before, however, I thought I’d trial it here and see which one gets the more hits and then I may move the blog to my WordPress site.


Welcome to my new blog inspired by a discovery made on my latest self-improvement and information gathering course.  I like information because you never know what you don’t know; all the processing keeps the mind young; and as long as you’re still curious you know you haven’t become ‘the older generation’.

I recently decided that now I’ve nearly finished my first book I would kick my public speaking work back into gear, so where better to start than on a professional course run by a professional company who count among their members some pretty sassy, original and 7 figure inspirational speakers  – and me!  I decided it was about time to overcome my isolationalism (otherwise known as authoring) and join something new.

The first thing they said was “pick a target audience”.  “I am NOT going to be pigeonholed” I thought “I am a GEMINI, we are FLEXIBLE.  I am highly trained in a number of very important disciplines and I can pick INSPIRATION out of THIN AIR SO THERE!”

I find the entire idea of a pigeonhole deeply annoying because each client is individual and deserves to be treated that way, after all I’m a life coach not a teacher forced to deliver a government inspired curriculum for the terminally similar who are of course nothing at all alike and every teacher knows that.

I’ve trained in several different disciplines across a broad range of thought practices just so I could have a toolbox full of methods to help all these wonderful individuals that I’m going to save from a fate worse than death (or accountancy).

I believe in inspiration and flexibility (as long as I don’t have to wrap my feet round my head during yoga), and this super-successful person who has it all and knows how I can get it wants to put me into a pigeonhole and won’t even give me a pigeon!  That’s just cruel!

However, he asked us to think about what really matters to us and I realised that what gets up my nose is the attitude to age not just from the media but inside our own heads.  For some reason ageing can bring fear and a feeling of life having passed you by and I wanted to encourage people to stay active and embrace new challenges until they’re at least 90.

We live in a culture where doctors, television programmes, newspapers and magazines are only too delighted to tell you the many different ways your life’s in danger;  where women are thrown off TV when they get a frown line, and a D-Day Veteran who had to escape his nursing home in order to attend the D-Day ceremonies is described in the papers as a ‘game old boy’ rather than a still strong man with Dunkirk determination.

When we were asked to stand up and in a few short words explain who our target market was I found myself saying “I’m 57 and I want to inspire people to be youthful until they’re 90!”  And I realised that’s true.

So now I had a pigeon hole with one sentence in it, but still no pigeon and I like pets.  Mind you, I wouldn’t mind a kitten in my pigeonhole, but that’s another story and likely the ramblings of an older mind.  However, I’m nothing if not resourceful, so this blog will be appropriate to:

  •        Anyone in their 40s
  •        Anyone older
  •        Anyone younger

Why am I including the youngsters in my Rockin’ 50’s Super Club?  Because only us Golden Oldies are truly able to teach them how often you can muck up before you’re 50 and how to avoid those snafus, bug-a-boos, rolls of fat and creaking joints.

However, inspiring the Rockin’ 50’s to live, rebel and rock this life will be my primary focus and believe me as well as creating some of that truly best medicine, laughter, I am going to be seeking information and inspiration to help us all live a more active and joyful life.

We can’t give up and sit on sofas watching questionable TV until we’re too stiff to move when there’s a life out there, mountains to climb and chaos to cause.  We just can’t because it’s our life and it needs LIVING not surviving.

Plus we have a duty to show the younger generation how to age well.  Both my Grandmothers reached a ripe old age – 87 1/2 and 98 1/2 respectively – and they’re my greatest inspiration.  They didn’t give up on life, they kept their interest in what was going on around them, and no one told them what to do – and if they did they didn’t do it.

Grandmother 87 1/2 once went on a day trip by coach with the other residents from her nursing home.  7.30 pm came and went and no coach load of wrinklies appeared back at the nursing home.  8.00 pm, 9.00 pm and 10.00 pm passed and they were practically ready to call the police, just as my grandmother brought back a coach load of drunken pensions post pub crawl.  She’d bribed the coach driver to stop at a few pubs on the way home.  I want to be worse than her!

If you love your family then it’s your duty to show them how to age well, to encourage them to keep their bodies moving and their minds alive, and to be curious about life and ready to learn new things.  If you get stuck in a rut they probably will.  If you stop learning they might think they know it all.  If you stop living they could very well spend their 60s, 70s and 80s talking about their 30s and 40s.  If you reject new inventions they may do the same.  No, our job is to age well retaining lively minds, good memories and a passion for life.

I was once part of a team that discovered two very good Tarot Readers, one was 76 and the other 79.  The female said to us that each week she attended a coffee morning with a group of friends and it was the turn of one each week to introduce the others to something new.  It was her turn the following week and boy was she looking forward to it.  The retired Brigadier was going round the table reading everyone’s cards for them and blowing minds right, left and centre including his own.  He was fascinated and it was a wonderful experience; one of those that makes you feel you’re blessed rather than working.

So this is my new blog, my new venture and my new focus, and hopefully this is the one straightforward blog you’re going to read, I’m after giggles and gut bellowing laughter from now on.

If you feel that you’ve gone wrong and there’s no getting back then give me a call because there is no way back but there’s always a way forwards.  There is always a way to change your life no matter how old you are and no matter how deeply you’ve shovelled yourself into a rut.

If you’ve recently retired or have that ending looming on your horizon and have no idea what to do with the rest of your life other than veg in a chair or finally catch up with the list of household tasks that have needed doing since 1962, let me know and we will find you a distraction that will keep your mind alive, your heart beating to the tune of an enthusiastic drummer, and your thoughts off ball cocks!

Until the next blog

Rebel properly, walk on the wild side, and if you wear 6″ heels insure your ankles.

(Next:  The Credit Card Number!)