The “Ooof” Factor

You know the sound, the one older people make when they drop into or fall out of a chair?  The one you are NEVER going to make.  As of now you have to take the oath:

“I do solemnly swear that I will observe all people older than me, note all the signs of ageing and then commit myself to do none of those things and fight venerability, respectability, caution and all forms of stiffness with a vengeance.  If necessary I will give my face and body regular sticky-tape lifts and fill in my cracks with plaster, but I will NOT ever ‘ooof’ when I get up or down, bend or stretch, pick up a pencil or fall off a cliff.  Should I ever fall off a cliff I will be a) drunk as a Lord, b) youthfully dressed, c) beautifully made up and d) I will scream like a 20 year old at a One Direction shindig.”

Did I say shindig?

Anyway, ignoring that ageing language lapse and moving on.  Let’s examine our oath in close detail (if you’re going to put your reading glasses on do it properly and DO NOT peer myopically over the top of your lenses, that is against the law of youthfulness…ooooh we need laws!)

Swearing is pretty much okay as real swear words don’t change much, okay the young perhaps use the fornicate word more than we did, but we’ve been using it all our lives and are therefore hip and with it.

Although we can get a few aches and pains as we get older we must never forget that with a sensible approach and the advice of a doctor we can remain fit and flexible.  Therefore the legendary stiffness we associate with age can be butt kicked out of sight by a good yoga teacher and a Golden Oldie willing to let a much younger person put your limbs in places they haven’t seen since you were 3 months old and no one had told you that you weren’t bendy.

Okay, we might not want to be sticky-taping our lower areas that used to be our higher areas to the higher areas that used to be north of our face, but again a bit of fitness might encourage a generally northern-ish movement in various facets of our body.  Gravity can and must be fought.

When it comes to wrinkles the men need not worry as they are wisdom lines and therefore, along with your grey hair, make you look wisdomous and attractive (i.e. rich enough to bag a babe).  However, for us dames…I meant girls…it’s a bit different and that’s where expensive creams and good cosmetics come into play.

If you want surgical intervention, your nether regions to become your chin, and a cleft chin on the back of your head, that’s pretty much up to you, but I think the wisdom of a lifetime would tell us that it doesn’t matter how many parts you have lifted you’ll still be 42 no matter what you do.  Forty two being the age we will be until it’s patently ridiculous to be it and then we will be 99 and no one will know how old we are.  After all, 42 is the meaning of life and it’s okay to know that because there was a recent film update of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide”.

One pitfall you must avoid at all costs ladies, and that’s to have a cosmetics bag full of congealed make up that you apply with a good outline of 1960’s (literally) black eyeliner.  It’s important to keep up with the latest looks and colours and adapt them to your own unique and individual look in a sensibly youthful way.

Although a lot of this is cosmetic I admit it, by the same token making sure that you like what you see in a mirror is critical to feeling youthful.  We do not ever want to fake it until we become it, we’re golden, we’re youthful and we are it already.

As to you boys, who traditionally don’t resort to make up to cover the cracks how can you halt the course of ageing?

By doing something!  Anything!  I hear a lot of men saying that they don’t dance but what the heck is wrong with holding your wife close and giving her a twirl around a dance floor.  You might even get fit as long as you don’t try a lift and put something out (and I don’t mean her out the window in your enthusiasm to lift macho-ly higher than that guy 10 years younger than you).

You might even find that your wife likes you more if you take her out like you used to do when you were young, had no kids, and needed to keep her onside so that you didn’t get the big bedroom freeze-out.  I can absolutely promise you that there is nothing more ageing for a man than being nagged by a wife/partner who is bored out of her skull.

Bring some of that excitement back into her life that you used to be famous for, you might not be in your 20 year old shape but you are that same guy inside and you two used to like being together and having fun together.  A young, together, fun-loving older couple are definitely hip and the younger generation will marvel at you and aspire to be you.

Young man:  “They’re that old and they still like each other and laugh together…how do they do that?”

Young girl:    “Clearly he still goes out and has fun.  He’s not tied to his email and playing stupid computer games until 3 in the morning.  He’s cool!

Don’t tell your ladies but you could easily become the guy that all the younger men hate and all the young women twinkle at…but never under any circumstances notice those twinkles or you’ll get more than the bedroom freeze-out you’ll get the clothes in the yard in a pile of dog crap tornado!

Finally, returning to the falling off a cliff bizzo, the biggest danger of falling off a cliff when you’re not looking your best, and “oofing” like an oldie on the way down, arises from not wearing your specs and being unable to see the edge of the cliff.  Think contact lenses or cool designer sunglasses that have prescription lenses in them.

If Hollywood ‘royalty’ can wear sunglasses all year then so can we – they’re great wrinkle covers and a lot less worrying than a scalpel held in the hand of a surgeon of our age who’s peering myopically over the top of a pair of half glasses asking “am I anywhere near your eye?”  “Yes, but it’s the other eye!”

Suggestions to remain mobile:

Flexibility/Mobility:  Yoga and Tai Chi

Core Strength:          The gym or Pilates

Cardio:                      Aerobics/Water Aerobics; Zumba; Fitsteps

Sir Bruce Forsyth:     Does the Tibetan stretching routine “The Fountain of Youth”                                     

As with all fitness regimes consult your doctor before taking on anything new.


Take the oath

Remember the oath

And if you do forget and “ooof” say you were asleep and dreaming about dogs